This month I read Alchemised, and I wish I had read it sooner. Before I say more, a content warning: this is an emotionally heavy book with themes of war, violence, sexual assault, and grief. It is a dark fantasy about war with a love story woven through it, heartbreaking and beautiful in its own way.

I am a deeply feeling person, so this book left a little hole in my heart. It also gave language to what it can feel like to survive trauma and continue living with its aftermath.

For this review, I want to focus on Helena, the main character. As a therapist, I kept thinking about how many of us might recognize parts of ourselves in her.

She is the healer. The one who figures things out because there doesn’t seem to be another choice. The one who holds everyone’s secrets while feeling that no one truly sees her. The one whose mind is spiraling and whose body is in pain, but whose suffering goes unnoticed because she appears put together.

She is the one who learned to feel worthy through being useful, to measure her value by how much she gives. The one who sacrifices herself for the people she loves. The one expected to create, hold, and improve systems, only to be denied recognition because she is a woman.

How many of us have been expected to function this way? And how often have we been praised for the very patterns that leave us exhausted and disconnected from ourselves?

Throughout the book, Helena begins learning to choose herself. What stayed with me was how something as small as a moment of pleasure and connection with another person could interrupt the life she had learned to endure. For a moment, there was something beyond responsibility, survival, and self-sacrifice. There was presence that happened with Kaine.

I read these moments through the lens of co-regulation: how connection with another person can help us experience a little more safety. In the book, moments of presence are often followed by deep rest. To me, those scenes captured what it can look like when a body that has been bracing finally feels able to soften.

Later, we witness Helena’s trauma responses continue even when she is relatively safe. She feels as though someone is coming for her, and anxiety and panic become overwhelming. Knowing that danger has passed does not always mean the body feels it has passed.

We see Kaine support her by making eye contact and breathing with her. We also see Helena hold her chest and apply pressure as a way of steadying herself back into the body. These moments stood out to me because healing is not only about understanding what happened. It can also involve finding small, tolerable ways to reconnect with the present and experience support.

By the end of the book, Helena begins choosing herself and her needs. Perhaps the most realistic part is that making this choice does not immediately undo everything she has learned. It still takes years to loosen those patterns and begin trusting safety. The scars of what she experienced remain, even as her relationship with herself changes.

If Helena were sitting across from me in therapy, I would want to make room for the parts of her that learned she had to be useful to be worthy. We might gently practice orienting to the present, explore what helps her recognize moments of safety, and get curious about who she is outside of what she does for others. Who is Helena when she does not have to heal, hold, or save anyone?

And I wonder about this for you, too. If you allowed yourself a small moment of pleasure, connection, or slowness, what might you notice? Would it feel comforting, unfamiliar, or even uncomfortable? What might it make space for? There is no right response. Sometimes the first step is simply noticing what happens when you give yourself a little room.

My rating for this book is 6 out of 5 stars.

I base my ratings on how a book makes me feel, the writing, how much I think about it after I finish, and whether it makes me want to create a playlist. In this case, I cannot stop thinking about Helena and Kaine. I cried more times than I am willing to admit, and I made the playlist.

If you end up reading it, let me know your thoughts. And if you recognize yourself in Helena, especially in the feeling that you must keep giving while your own needs go unseen, I would be happy to support you in making more room for yourself.

October Book Review: Alchemised

October Journal Prompts